health

16Jun

A little bit of shine…

There are fireflies out tonight and it reminds me of home. I remember my mom taking me to catch them and being afraid. There are fireflies out tonight and it reminds me all things beautiful could have a dark side. There are fireflies out tonight and I can’t think of a better use for my mason jars…

When I was in eleventh grade I submitted a story to Glamour magazine. Us girls, we started reading those magazines when we were so young. First Teen Bop, then Seventeen, even Delia’s messed with us. The glamorization of life so early on can really mess with a girl. Not that it isn’t 100 times worse now, but man do I remember.

The article I submitted to Glamour was for a contest. A life changing story, they said. Something that affected you on a personal level. I remember reading the winning story and thinking, wow, everything isn’t so bad. But it was.

I think that on some level we can all relate to the feeling of self hate, loneliness, rejection. I mean we are all human, right? When I submitted the story, I was sure I would “win”. I was sure my story was different enough. Maybe one person wanted to hear it. Because at the time, it was all I needed. At the time, I just wanted someone to relate to me.

The story was about my anorexia and bulimia. I struggled severely for a couple years in high school and “moderately” for the rest of my life. It was not something my family or friends understood or could deal with. It was just (and has been) this thing that lives in my head.

When I submitted the story, I wanted to be heard. Not by the world, but by one person. If one person could relate and tell me it would be ok, maybe I would be ok.

But the truth is. And this is something I have learned in the last however many years since I was starving myself daily, only I can do that. Since then I have struggled with a lot mental things. A lot of issues with my body and and my mind. And in the end, it all comes back to me.

I have been a size 0 and a size 12 and the only thing I have found to make me happy is …well … me.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I, not unlike the fireflies, have a glow. I have been told I have a contagious energy and eyes that can draw someone in. Awesome, right? But until I see that (and until you see that in you), it will all stand still.

If you look around, you can see a firefly in the daytime, but after the dark is when they really shine. Did you know they can synchronize with others and glow together

I remember writing the story and thinking if I get this out, I will feel better and someone else will feel better. And I couldn’t help but think of it tonight when I saw the fireflies. I kinda love that they only come out when it’s warm (I mean who can blame them?). And I kinda like to picture them at a luau, wearing colorful skirts and dancing.

Regardless, they shine. In a world of dark, they shine … because they can. And, I guess what I’m trying to say is … so can you.

8Jun

A little bit of self reflect…

To tell me that I am stuck in my own head is a thing of the past, present and, I assume, future. I feel like growing up I was always that way. Let it be for lack of close siblings and a lot of time by myself. Or maybe it was because I grew up with one parent and had something missing. But it is me. I think too much. I think about everyone else way too much and how they impact me. How life impacts them and, in turn, impacts me. And I know I am not alone in feeling this way, so here is a blog post.

For those who have experienced depression, anxiety, OCD, self harm, anorexia, etc., etc. etc., you get it. You understand what it’s like to be so consumed with your own thoughts that you cannot function. You also understand what it’s like to ruin things because you think too much or care too much or worry too much. And I get it. So much.

To be told to get out of my own head is a common thing I hear. Whether it’s online or in my research or in person. I’ve heard it and today I started to question it. Maybe it was because my yoga instructor started the class with the exact same line. Concentrate on your breathing, she said, get out of your head. And again I was reminded of what I was doing wrong. If you’ve lived with anxiety or any of the things above and beyond, you have tried to relieve some of your own misery through some sort of outside remedy.

I have had friends tell me recently how proud they are that I took time for myself. That they are inspired by what I did. That’s a lot to take in because sometimes I was just trying to survive. This post is probably the most honest one I’ve done and, once again, it’s therapy for me. Read it. Don’t read it. It’s for me, not you.

I have been really getting into yoga and, once again, started thinking about how to get out of my head. So, like most days, I go to the Internet for help. I wanted more ideas. More ways to “fix” me. It was pretty monotonous, so I decided to post about this instead. Here, I will provide five things that are my go to for stress, anxiety, anything of the above.

  • Yoga – I cannot begin to describe what this exercise has done for me, mentally and, just recently, physically. I feel like I have never trusted my body or mind. Being next to one of my best friends feeling the sturdiness and solidarity of the practice has been life changing.
  • Being outside – I remember as a child making forts, clubhouses, whatever you want to call them, in the woods. Have you ever taken a day and spent it under the trees? Look at them. All they want to do is take care of us. Mentally? It’s soothing. Physically? Moving around on the trails has been one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done.
  • Art – It’s been more than two years now since I realized I have something in me that needs to be expressed. It started small and never grew to anything huge. But, it grew. And with it, so did I. I am not afraid to show what I make because it makes me happy. And I don’t care who you are, making something with your own hands is so rewarding. Pick up a coloring book, a paint brush or a cookbook.
  • Cooking – If you know me, you know I NEVER cooked. One of my favorite things to do now is blast music in the kitchen and go to town. If you can close your eyes for two minutes and think of the rhythm of chopping any vegetable, you get it. Taking all the small ingredients and creating something to give to people I care for is incredible.
  • Wine – I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t include this. I am a total wino. And the best part? So are some of my best girlfriends. For now the two things go hand in hand. The conversations. The relaxation. And the love.

If you’re like me and need to be reminded to get out of your head on a daily basis, I hope this helps. If it doesn’t fix anything, just know you’re not alone and honestly, I’d love to know what works for you.

9May

A little bit of a smorgasbord…

Happy Monday, folks! Sorry I fell off the face of the earth for a bit. I thought I had recouped from my birthday celebration, but then my mom came into town. My mother is going to be 73 next month and believe me, she doesn’t quit. Most times, I swear she has more energy than me. But then again, I love being lazy.

She came that Friday night and I made dinner. Knowing that we were getting fondue the following night, I tried to keep it somewhat light. Foil-packed veggies are one of my favorite meals for summer (especially when we go camping). I mean what is easier than cutting up vegetables and tossing them into foil with some oil and seasoning? Nothing (I mean probably something, but just agree with me).

I bought a really good steak for the occasion and decided to try my hand at tofu. I know, I am kind of all over the place. The only tofu I’ve ever had and loved is Double Wide’s “wings”. And imagine that, they aren’t even tofu. They are Seitan wheat protein cubes. Alright, vegetarians, what’s the difference? Guess I should do my research first.

Anyway, I believe you can cover anything in hot sauce and call it a meal. I’m sure this is the quote I’ll be remembered for someday and I am ok with that. Other than hot sauce, the recipe I found called for oil, cornstarch and the tofu.  I skipped the ranch sauce listed because I was trying to be healthy. Meanwhile, I think I had cheese for dessert. This is a thing, guys. 

I am on three types of cold meds, so pardon my ramblings. Bottom line? The tofu was great, the steak was great and the veggies were delicious. My mom and I shopped, went to a movie and then met up with Dave to gorge ourselves on fondue. Come Sunday, I was birthday’d out.

Fast forward a week later and here we are. Tonight’s dinner is goulash. When I mentioned this to Dave, he had never heard of it. WHAT. So, I called my mom and she said my grandma made it. That was a boring answer, so I went to the Internet and IMMEDIATELY regretted that. (go ahead, try it!) I have my goulash recipe ready to go for tonight, and I already have the ingredients. I found a lot of variations, so I know I’m not alone with this “weird” dish. But now I’m curious. How many of you have heard of it?

On a side note, the camel has nothing to do with anything. I searched a free photo site for food images and that came up. The Internet is clearly on some colds meds too.

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