personal

13Oct

A little bit of honesty…

I fucked up. Big time. I didn’t know how I was going to address this. But I feel like with most things in my life, honesty is truly the best policy. I am not looking for sympathy or pity or anything. I just need to get this off my chest.

This blog was supposed to be about my life and my hobbies and me finding me. So, it’s been really hard to write knowing that everything would be sugarcoated unless I was honest.

Dave and I are separated right now and we will be divorced by this time next year. And it is my fault. Well, mainly. I mean, show of hands, how many of you are in a relationship that you aren’t truly happy in? And it could be for any reason. Maybe he doesn’t listen like you want. Maybe she is constantly nagging. Maybe he doesn’t love you like you need to be loved. Or maybe, after all these years, you find out you didn’t really know her at all.

Now, show of hands, how many of you are completely freaked out by the concept of marriage? I guarantee there are equal amounts of single people and married people raising their hands subconsciously. I am not here to choose sides because different things work for different people with different people at different times in a million different situations.

But really, I fucked up. And I am sorry that I hurt the person who made my life his responsibility. I am sorry I asked so much out of this person and didn’t give it back. I am sorry that the man who helped heal my mind didn’t get to experience the “better” me for the rest of his life. I am sorry that I broke his heart, his life and ultimately a big promise that I made a long time ago.

And I will say it again, I am not here for sympathy. It’s just that if I continue to ignore things, I will end up back in this position in a short period of time. Hating myself, hating my life and hating the lies I told everyone.

Forgiveness has always come easily to me. Hell, I’ve talked to shitty guys way longer than I should. And, in the past, I was a pro at being a pushover. Forgiveness, on my end, was a weakness. It was a weakness because I never believed I deserved better. Dave was my better. He was the better that came along after years of complete assholes. And I never believed I deserved him. Today I know for sure that I didn’t. Not because I am the worst person in the world (although I know some of you think I am), but because he deserves someone who makes him truly happy. And, sadly, that wasn’t me.

So, here we are, in a situation that makes everyone uncomfortable. A situation where nobody knows what to say. A situation that is truly fucking shitty and one, that ultimately, I caused.

Like I said at the beginning, I’m not asking for anything by writing this. This is a part of my life and, unfortunately, some of yours. I appreciate the ones who are still here and still continue to love, not only me, but him. And I appreciate the ones who are able to overlook my weaknesses, my mistakes and a terrible situation.

9Jul

A little bit of beauty in the dark…

Today I woke up with the realization that even if I try to avoid it, the world is going to shit. When I logged onto the cyber world, I saw things that caused so much pain. And in all actuality, I thought people were talking/posting about events that took place two or three days ago. No, it happened again.

If you know anything about me, you know I don’t watch the news. You might actually know that it terrifies me. When I feel pain, I feel it deep. Today I cried. A lot.

I have no right to say I know anything about what is going on. But it scares me. I don’t know how it feels to be anything but a white girl who grew up in a small town less than a couple hours outside of Pittsburgh.

Tonight I went to a brewery to watch a friend play music. It was a simple night full of folky tunes, a one man band and people that have supported each other since high school. The thing I love about music is it brings people together. I, along with people I adore, sat at a picnic table with a family we had never met.

You know when you feel kind of off? You’re like, ok, maybe I’m tired from the day, maybe I came to do what I needed to do, maybe I am just here to support whoever at the moment. That was me tonight. I was tired and actually just wanted an early evening.

But there was a family there and they talked to us. A small conversation about a T-shirt led to so much more. This man and woman were out with their 21-year-old son. He is a student at Penn State. A student who, and I quote, they were okay with being a garbage man because he struggled so much academically. A student who was enrolled in private school. This guy, who sat across the table from me and taught me about Pokemon Go, who is going to be an engineer, got in trouble at his private school because at a young age he was reading books that talked about magic. These books are what helped him learn to read. And although this was frowned upon, his parents stood by him. They ended up removing him from the school because it was what was best for him.

They also stood by their other son. He’s gay. I sat next to his dad, who told us when his son told him he responded with please just go be happy. Live your life. And for the who knows how many times today, I cried. These people probably thought I was insane.

I also sat there and talked to the mother. The mother of these amazing kids. The younger son who made me feel old because, my gosh, when was Pokemon even a thing? And the other, who came out to his grandparents after the shootings in Orlando. And I got to hear her story. And let me just say it wasn’t a good one. But she let me in. I’m not sure why she felt comfortable telling me this story she had never told anyone else, but she did. And I know I helped her. What she didn’t know is how much she helped me.

Tonight I listed to music and talked to amazing people. I cried with them over the ugly parts of this world. Tonight I remembered there is still good in this world. And I left feeling a little bit lighter.

15Jun

A little bit of my mind…

I have been staring at my computer screen for awhile now. I can talk. A lot. But putting into words what I feel after this weekend’s tragedy isn’t going too well. Like all of you, my heart is sad and scared for the world we live in. This weekend was a bit of a whirlwind, so I spent the other morning cramming in a lot of information. The outpouring of love and support is amazing. The stories of the heroes are incredible.  

It’s been a struggle coming up with something to write about this week. My mind is kind of all over the place today and I feel like I need to type something, so here you go.

Welcome to my mind…

I sold some wine glasses last week. I haven’t been pushing my crafts too much recently, so when a sale comes my way, I am pretty happy. I did a redo of the ones I made for PERSAD CENTER’s Art for Change event. Can I just say that most of the time I feel like I am a complete shit show? So, when I finally finish making something and it is safely tucked away in its packaging and on its way to a customer, I feel pretty freaking amazing.

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This time was a different story. I hand delivered the glasses because I was headed to a friend’s pool that day, which is right down the road. Upon delivery, I get out of my car and start up their walkway. My swimsuit bottoms fall down. I am covered with a sundress, but at this moment, I panic. I can’t tie them without exposing my lady bits, so I pull them completely off and tuck them in my pocket. I am in a residential neighborhood, and I see the neighbor staring at me. Like what kind of goods is this girl delivering? I am friends with the daughter of the woman who purchased the glasses, and her adorable husband decided to show me some of their artwork. It’s like he knew (Sorry, Marsha! hahaha). Anyway, they loved the glasses and I will be shopping for a new swimsuit.

In other big news, I switched from an iPhone to an Android. This was a BIG deal for me. I do all my work on a Mac. Have for years. I use my iPad daily and still remember getting my first iPhone. The short and sweet of it? I am a closet nerd. I spent an entire morning researching this switch and walked into the Verizon store with sweaty palms. I explained myself to the guy who said, with such sincerity, I get it. Somehow I walked out of there with a Galaxy S7 Edge, an Ellipsis 8 tablet and a new found love for Aaron the Verizon guy.

I also spent a lot of last weekend in a swimming pool. Jealous? The weather was gorgeous. There was plenty of booze. But the weird part? I can’t swim. Go ahead, get the look of shock over with and erase the thought of “fixing” me from your mind. I can move around just fine in water, but I can’t go under. And can I just say? None of you (Well besides you, Alex.) are doing laps in the pool during a party. I believe you were all standing right next to me drinking your beers. Regardless of that, I took lessons two years ago. I made it through three of the four and gave up. First of all, I hate deep water. Second of all, swimming is a lot of work. You learned when you were five and had all the energy. I was 33 and it was not easy. And third of all, it was me and a bunch of little kids. No thank you.

And just one more thing before I shut up. F*ck yeah, Pens! Also, main image is available for purchase here.

9Jun

A little bit of friendship…

Yesterday was National Best Friends Day. How do I know? My best friend sent me a snapchat from Denver. She lives 20 hours away from me. How do I remember? Because during the drive across country, I said if we ever had a really bad day, we could technically meet halfway in 10 hours. That’s something, right?

I am 35 and the amount of people I keep close to me can fill a room. I am lucky, I know. When I moved to Pittsburgh 15 years ago (oh my goodness!), I knew maybe five people. It was actually terrifying.

Girlfriends are the best, right? Mine are some gems. I love when you know a girl so well that you can read her mind before she speaks. And you can judge her before she judges you. It becomes this vicious cycle of being a complete bitch, but knowing they are just the same and knowing that it doesn’t matter. That connection will not fade.

And don’t get me wrong, I love my guys too. Those nights when girlfriend A and girlfriend B are fighting and girlfriend C is fighting with her boyfriend because he doesn’t want to spend time with girlfriend D and her husband. OH MY GOSH. These are the nights you want dudes around. Just sit me at a table with a beer in my hand and let them drone on about baseball or video games or whatever manly TV show they’re into at the moment.

Anyway, back to my best friend. She has been gone for three months now (insert eye roll) and it certainly doesn’t get any easier. But the thing about best friends is they don’t just leave. And it’s not like we didn’t text every detail of every day to each other before, but now it just feels so special. It’s like you’re over there and I am here and we are still ok.

You know those nights when you’ve had way too much wine and you just sit and talk and talk and talk and talk. It’s like the world stops and you just get to have the warm and fuzzies for a few hours. Those are my kind of nights and my kind of girls. I am super lucky to have some extremely amazing and talented women in my life. And I am extra lucky that they put up with me.

I found a family here, and for that, well, there are no words.

Pictured item is now available (and customizable) at Bows and Branches.

8Jun

A little bit of self reflect…

To tell me that I am stuck in my own head is a thing of the past, present and, I assume, future. I feel like growing up I was always that way. Let it be for lack of close siblings and a lot of time by myself. Or maybe it was because I grew up with one parent and had something missing. But it is me. I think too much. I think about everyone else way too much and how they impact me. How life impacts them and, in turn, impacts me. And I know I am not alone in feeling this way, so here is a blog post.

For those who have experienced depression, anxiety, OCD, self harm, anorexia, etc., etc. etc., you get it. You understand what it’s like to be so consumed with your own thoughts that you cannot function. You also understand what it’s like to ruin things because you think too much or care too much or worry too much. And I get it. So much.

To be told to get out of my own head is a common thing I hear. Whether it’s online or in my research or in person. I’ve heard it and today I started to question it. Maybe it was because my yoga instructor started the class with the exact same line. Concentrate on your breathing, she said, get out of your head. And again I was reminded of what I was doing wrong. If you’ve lived with anxiety or any of the things above and beyond, you have tried to relieve some of your own misery through some sort of outside remedy.

I have had friends tell me recently how proud they are that I took time for myself. That they are inspired by what I did. That’s a lot to take in because sometimes I was just trying to survive. This post is probably the most honest one I’ve done and, once again, it’s therapy for me. Read it. Don’t read it. It’s for me, not you.

I have been really getting into yoga and, once again, started thinking about how to get out of my head. So, like most days, I go to the Internet for help. I wanted more ideas. More ways to “fix” me. It was pretty monotonous, so I decided to post about this instead. Here, I will provide five things that are my go to for stress, anxiety, anything of the above.

  • Yoga – I cannot begin to describe what this exercise has done for me, mentally and, just recently, physically. I feel like I have never trusted my body or mind. Being next to one of my best friends feeling the sturdiness and solidarity of the practice has been life changing.
  • Being outside – I remember as a child making forts, clubhouses, whatever you want to call them, in the woods. Have you ever taken a day and spent it under the trees? Look at them. All they want to do is take care of us. Mentally? It’s soothing. Physically? Moving around on the trails has been one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done.
  • Art – It’s been more than two years now since I realized I have something in me that needs to be expressed. It started small and never grew to anything huge. But, it grew. And with it, so did I. I am not afraid to show what I make because it makes me happy. And I don’t care who you are, making something with your own hands is so rewarding. Pick up a coloring book, a paint brush or a cookbook.
  • Cooking – If you know me, you know I NEVER cooked. One of my favorite things to do now is blast music in the kitchen and go to town. If you can close your eyes for two minutes and think of the rhythm of chopping any vegetable, you get it. Taking all the small ingredients and creating something to give to people I care for is incredible.
  • Wine – I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t include this. I am a total wino. And the best part? So are some of my best girlfriends. For now the two things go hand in hand. The conversations. The relaxation. And the love.

If you’re like me and need to be reminded to get out of your head on a daily basis, I hope this helps. If it doesn’t fix anything, just know you’re not alone and honestly, I’d love to know what works for you.

18Apr

A little bit of mental health…

This morning I came across two different articles talking about social media and depression. The first one was a study by the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine. The study outlines the correlation between social media use and depression in people ages 19 to 32. Minutes later, I saw another article pop up in my Twitter feed.  This one talks about how people with mental health issues can benefit from social media. Kinda crazy, right?

I mean, I understand both sides. Social media provides a place for us to share our lives, stories, pictures, etc. The problem with this is that everything is usually filtered through rose colored glasses. Believe me, I know. I love social media. I love sharing. I love reading people’s posts. For me, I don’t have the jealousy bone, which plagues many people on social media. But I did use it to tap out of my life for a bit.

The past year or so, I have suffered from a lot of different issues. I am not here to broadcast all the nitty gritty, but I’m sure you can image. If you look through my social media posts, you can’t see any of this. But I do. I see it in my eyes. I see it in my lack of enthusiasm. It’s there, but it’s covered with a filter.

Social media, although amazing, gives everyone a platform to be a one upper. This can really mess with your head. Like why is his life so cool? She’s always so happy. And so on and so on. I can’t imagine growing up with Twitter and Facebook and Instagram. When I was a teenager, we were just beginning to explore chat rooms and talking on AIM and ICQ. The online competition wasn’t there and the bullying wasn’t anything like it is today. It was more like HOLY CRAP I CAN CHAT WITH MY FRIENDS assuming you didn’t get a phone call, which kicked you off the Internet. I feel old just writing this crap

Unfortunately, Internet trolls and insecurities are a hard thing to tackle. So, like a lot of situations, I think it’s important to focus on the positive. Social media provides us with an opportunity to connect with people we probably would never have met. In situations where a person is suffering from anything, whether it’s depression, anxiety, loneliness, WHATEVER messed up thing our brain is telling us that day, this can be life changing.

A lot of people don’t understand mental illness and I get it. It can be a scary thing to watch someone you love go through. Like just feel better, right? I mean that’s just it. The stigma surrounding mental illness is part of the problem. People deal with sadness and loneliness and on top of that they are looked down upon or isolated even more because people just don’t understand. I have been reading so much over the past year about depression and anxiety, eating disorders and how people cope. And, the amazing thing was, it wasn’t hard to find. There are blogs and forums, support groups and people standing beside complete strangers. And, it is really f*cking beautiful.

May is Mental Health Month, and I hope that you will take the time to learn a little more, reach out to someone you know is struggling. Or maybe even get some help for yourself.

2Apr

A little bit of yoga…

For nearly two years, I have suffered from back pain. We will call it that. If I try to explain what is really going on with my body, you would be like what the hell is wrong with this girl. I’m pretty positive it was from sitting at a desk for years, stress and not taking care of myself. You know, all the stuff they warn you about.

The pain is pretty constant and I have tried many treatments. I did the whole physical therapy thing, which didn’t seem to even touch it. I am pretty much best friends with my chiropractor, although I’m not sure I’m his favorite patient. I had acupuncture done. It actually did seem to make a difference, but for some reason, I never went back. I’ve been tested for arthritis and had an MRI. Luckily, I’m healthy, but that doesn’t solve my problem. 

I started doing PiYo at the beginning of the year, which I highly recommend. For anyone that thinks yoga is boring but wants similar benefits, this might be for you. I bought a trigger point massage tool and a foam rollerThese are both amazing. I have tried so many different vitamins and minerals. Anything someone suggests, I buy it.

The thing that seems to help me the most is stretching, so I started doing yoga. Today I got to experience hot yoga for the first time and I LOVED it. If you haven’t tried it, basically they jack the temperature of the room up to, I don’t know, maybe 80 degrees. It really loosens your muscles and helps you move easier. You know what else it does? It makes you sweat. A lot. I went with a friend, and she swears we were under a heat vent. Some of the girls looked like they worked up a nice warm glow. My entire body was soaked. Maybe it wasn’t sweat and actually wine.

The place went went is called Amazing Yoga. They are based in Pittsburgh and have locations in Shadyside, Lawrenceville, Wexford and the South Side. I was a little nervous being that it was not only my first hot yoga, but my first yoga class ever. The atmosphere and the instructor were very welcoming. She told us to leave our egos at the door. There were no grunting men or guys hitting on me. Gosh, I am so over the gym. And, BONUS, newbies get two weeks unlimited for $25, so I will definitely be going back. However this time, I am going to avoid the hour and a half class and maybe ease myself in a bit.

11Jan

A little bit about me…


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I had planned on launching my blog on the first of the year, but if you know me, you know I am always a little late. Anyway, hello and welcome. I guess I will begin by telling you a little bit about myself. I am currently 34 years old and living in Pittsburgh with my husband, Dave, and our three animals, Ivy the corgi, Pixie the cat and Flash the tortoise. An interesting lineup, I agree.

At the end of 2015, I had quit a job at a business paper in Pittsburgh. I had been there for 10 years and it was just my time to go. I knew there were other things I wanted to do with my life and leaving the company let me explore these options.

I started painting wine glasses a couple years back just for fun and realized I loved it and actually wasn’t too shabby at it. At the end of last year, I decided to take the next step and try to make some money from this hobby. And so, Bows and Branches was started. I went from strictly wine glasses to other home decor, such as pallet signs, wreaths and other various items.  In addition to my craft business, I am currently working for Social Minded Media Group and Southern Wines and Spirits. I am a little bit all over the place and I absolutely love it!

I also figured out something new about myself in 2015, I love to cook. This is something that has helped me remain calm throughout a hectic year and has made Dave very happy. Most of the recipes I make I find on Pinterest or blogs just like this.

Now here we are in 2016, a sparkly new year, and I want to share all these new experiences. I read a lot of online reviews and blogs and I have to laugh sometimes at the amount of perfection I see. If there is one thing I’ve learned over the past year, it is that I am never going to be perfect at everything I do and I feel like others can relate to this. I have learned to laugh at myself, whether its burning yet another meal or getting stuck in my first knitting project (like literally stuck!).

This blog will basically be my own attempt at organizing my life, thoughts and experiences into one place. I look forward to sharing with you.

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