Tag: love

27May

A little bit of that night…

I always knew it would come to head. Kinda like that guy you dated in high school who was fine with “above the belt”, but ultimately wanted your mouth on his dick. The fear stuck by me, not as much in the months leading up to this night, but definitely in previous nights. He had a loud mouth and insecurities out the wazoo. He had treated my best friend poorly on many occasions. Strangely enough, that was at a time when I stood up for him.

The actual event that night meant nothing to me, as most do. Keep in mind that I love country music. Give me a story arranged in notes, a voice so deep you think they are channeling the bottom of the ocean, a song about life, love and heartache. That is what I listen to when I am alone and no one else can skip to the next song. That night I wish I had skipped to the next song.

I grew up with my mom in a small town. Saturday mornings in the Spring I woke up to her cleaning, windows open, the scent of Pledge in the air and Randy Travis filling the the house. Nowadays, I travel back to bonfire weddings, karaoke during Christmas and flannel for days. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. All of it. However, I always wanted more. I wanted to learn more. I wanted the experience. This is why I embrace any musical opportunity that comes my way.

My musical knowledge is limited. I played the clarinet when I was younger, when it was kind of the cool thing to do. I can sing a bit, meaning I can sing country and was in choir for four years a very, very long time ago. I only know I can sing because a small amount of people have witnessed me truly going for it, including my mom, soon to be ex-husband and a handful of family and friends.

Only recently I decided to embrace country music in its truest form. By that I mean a little Willy, Hank, Randy and Jones. Vinyl gives it the old school feeling and their voices take me back home. That being said, I love being introduced to new music. And ultimately, that is why I was at Mr. Smalls on August 20.

Board games and country music. That could sum up my family gatherings in a nutshell. A very large nutshell because, trust me, there is so much more to that story. This information is only relevant because my night began with a board game and ended with me storming out of a show I didn’t really care about. The night of the show started with drinks at the house that now belongs to Dave and luckily included my gorgeous friend Kristen. Kristen, a girl who gives honesty a face, was there last week when I was attempting to pack up my house. Ironically she pointed out the game DICEcapades. That was the start of the end.

How many of you have two friends who have just split up? This can be as simple as a friendship, as complicated as a relationship or as messy as a divorce. It all sucks. There are two sides to every story and there are still two sides floating around about the night I speak of. But ultimately, there is one. There is one story that is real.

I can be a gossip. Can meaning was and gossip meaning I know everything. Everything about my friends. Look back to paragraph one, the “he” I referred to is the same one I am referring to now. He was one of my best friends. He was also a friend of Dave’s and dated the girl I cared most about. You know, the one he treated like shit?

The night we went out involved new friends, old friends and a shitshow looming in the dark. It involved beer, music, lies and, ultimately, the truth. It involved him and his new girl. This girl, the one that sped out of my house months before because she couldn’t handle the pictures of his ex (my best friend) sitting around my house, started the drama. Oh, the drama. Still to this day people question the things that come out of my mouth, but luckily they don’t question Kristen, the girl I was with that night.

It’s funny to me now that the band playing included another relationship “he” almost ruined. Call me a gossip, but come on dude, keep your mouth shut. It’s also funny to me now that the only reason I came out of the bathroom was to defend his ex, my best friend. And ultimately, this led to a lot of screaming, crying and, in the end, my divorce.

Relationships are a funny thing. Recently I was watching a show and the girl, who, like me, fucked her husband over. She kept the secret inside of her. If you know me or knew me, you know I did this. I have wounds inside and out showing my pain. I have shed tears and fell to pieces over the situation with my husband and that night. The tears belong to me and the anger belongs to Dave. Do you understand?

Like I said, people talk to me a lot. I know a lot things. Things I keep hidden. Things I supported. Things I didn’t like. The night I refer to is the night when a friend of mine, a friend of Dave’s and a guy that dated my best friend, “ruined my marriage”.

I know it is all my fault. Trust me. Should I have done the things I did? No. Did Dave deserve to know? Yes. Did that guy, the one that was more involved than I care to admit, have any right? No. And neither did his girlfriend who is 25 and has no clue what the future holds.

So here I sit, awake into the morning once again. My mind tends to go and go and go. It’s at these times that I wonder, does his? Does the guy who made it his argument sleep at night? Does he remember what he said in the moments leading up to the pain that is everlasting? I doubt it. But that is only because I have witnessed for so long the lack of emotion in his eyes.

13Oct

A little bit of honesty…

I fucked up. Big time. I didn’t know how I was going to address this. But I feel like with most things in my life, honesty is truly the best policy. I am not looking for sympathy or pity or anything. I just need to get this off my chest.

This blog was supposed to be about my life and my hobbies and me finding me. So, it’s been really hard to write knowing that everything would be sugarcoated unless I was honest.

Dave and I are separated right now and we will be divorced by this time next year. And it is my fault. Well, mainly. I mean, show of hands, how many of you are in a relationship that you aren’t truly happy in? And it could be for any reason. Maybe he doesn’t listen like you want. Maybe she is constantly nagging. Maybe he doesn’t love you like you need to be loved. Or maybe, after all these years, you find out you didn’t really know her at all.

Now, show of hands, how many of you are completely freaked out by the concept of marriage? I guarantee there are equal amounts of single people and married people raising their hands subconsciously. I am not here to choose sides because different things work for different people with different people at different times in a million different situations.

But really, I fucked up. And I am sorry that I hurt the person who made my life his responsibility. I am sorry I asked so much out of this person and didn’t give it back. I am sorry that the man who helped heal my mind didn’t get to experience the “better” me for the rest of his life. I am sorry that I broke his heart, his life and ultimately a big promise that I made a long time ago.

And I will say it again, I am not here for sympathy. It’s just that if I continue to ignore things, I will end up back in this position in a short period of time. Hating myself, hating my life and hating the lies I told everyone.

Forgiveness has always come easily to me. Hell, I’ve talked to shitty guys way longer than I should. And, in the past, I was a pro at being a pushover. Forgiveness, on my end, was a weakness. It was a weakness because I never believed I deserved better. Dave was my better. He was the better that came along after years of complete assholes. And I never believed I deserved him. Today I know for sure that I didn’t. Not because I am the worst person in the world (although I know some of you think I am), but because he deserves someone who makes him truly happy. And, sadly, that wasn’t me.

So, here we are, in a situation that makes everyone uncomfortable. A situation where nobody knows what to say. A situation that is truly fucking shitty and one, that ultimately, I caused.

Like I said at the beginning, I’m not asking for anything by writing this. This is a part of my life and, unfortunately, some of yours. I appreciate the ones who are still here and still continue to love, not only me, but him. And I appreciate the ones who are able to overlook my weaknesses, my mistakes and a terrible situation.

9Jul

A little bit of beauty in the dark…

Today I woke up with the realization that even if I try to avoid it, the world is going to shit. When I logged onto the cyber world, I saw things that caused so much pain. And in all actuality, I thought people were talking/posting about events that took place two or three days ago. No, it happened again.

If you know anything about me, you know I don’t watch the news. You might actually know that it terrifies me. When I feel pain, I feel it deep. Today I cried. A lot.

I have no right to say I know anything about what is going on. But it scares me. I don’t know how it feels to be anything but a white girl who grew up in a small town less than a couple hours outside of Pittsburgh.

Tonight I went to a brewery to watch a friend play music. It was a simple night full of folky tunes, a one man band and people that have supported each other since high school. The thing I love about music is it brings people together. I, along with people I adore, sat at a picnic table with a family we had never met.

You know when you feel kind of off? You’re like, ok, maybe I’m tired from the day, maybe I came to do what I needed to do, maybe I am just here to support whoever at the moment. That was me tonight. I was tired and actually just wanted an early evening.

But there was a family there and they talked to us. A small conversation about a T-shirt led to so much more. This man and woman were out with their 21-year-old son. He is a student at Penn State. A student who, and I quote, they were okay with being a garbage man because he struggled so much academically. A student who was enrolled in private school. This guy, who sat across the table from me and taught me about Pokemon Go, who is going to be an engineer, got in trouble at his private school because at a young age he was reading books that talked about magic. These books are what helped him learn to read. And although this was frowned upon, his parents stood by him. They ended up removing him from the school because it was what was best for him.

They also stood by their other son. He’s gay. I sat next to his dad, who told us when his son told him he responded with please just go be happy. Live your life. And for the who knows how many times today, I cried. These people probably thought I was insane.

I also sat there and talked to the mother. The mother of these amazing kids. The younger son who made me feel old because, my gosh, when was Pokemon even a thing? And the other, who came out to his grandparents after the shootings in Orlando. And I got to hear her story. And let me just say it wasn’t a good one. But she let me in. I’m not sure why she felt comfortable telling me this story she had never told anyone else, but she did. And I know I helped her. What she didn’t know is how much she helped me.

Tonight I listed to music and talked to amazing people. I cried with them over the ugly parts of this world. Tonight I remembered there is still good in this world. And I left feeling a little bit lighter.

16Jun

A little bit of shine…

There are fireflies out tonight and it reminds me of home. I remember my mom taking me to catch them and being afraid. There are fireflies out tonight and it reminds me all things beautiful could have a dark side. There are fireflies out tonight and I can’t think of a better use for my mason jars…

When I was in eleventh grade I submitted a story to Glamour magazine. Us girls, we started reading those magazines when we were so young. First Teen Bop, then Seventeen, even Delia’s messed with us. The glamorization of life so early on can really mess with a girl. Not that it isn’t 100 times worse now, but man do I remember.

The article I submitted to Glamour was for a contest. A life changing story, they said. Something that affected you on a personal level. I remember reading the winning story and thinking, wow, everything isn’t so bad. But it was.

I think that on some level we can all relate to the feeling of self hate, loneliness, rejection. I mean we are all human, right? When I submitted the story, I was sure I would “win”. I was sure my story was different enough. Maybe one person wanted to hear it. Because at the time, it was all I needed. At the time, I just wanted someone to relate to me.

The story was about my anorexia and bulimia. I struggled severely for a couple years in high school and “moderately” for the rest of my life. It was not something my family or friends understood or could deal with. It was just (and has been) this thing that lives in my head.

When I submitted the story, I wanted to be heard. Not by the world, but by one person. If one person could relate and tell me it would be ok, maybe I would be ok.

But the truth is. And this is something I have learned in the last however many years since I was starving myself daily, only I can do that. Since then I have struggled with a lot mental things. A lot of issues with my body and and my mind. And in the end, it all comes back to me.

I have been a size 0 and a size 12 and the only thing I have found to make me happy is …well … me.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I, not unlike the fireflies, have a glow. I have been told I have a contagious energy and eyes that can draw someone in. Awesome, right? But until I see that (and until you see that in you), it will all stand still.

If you look around, you can see a firefly in the daytime, but after the dark is when they really shine. Did you know they can synchronize with others and glow together

I remember writing the story and thinking if I get this out, I will feel better and someone else will feel better. And I couldn’t help but think of it tonight when I saw the fireflies. I kinda love that they only come out when it’s warm (I mean who can blame them?). And I kinda like to picture them at a luau, wearing colorful skirts and dancing.

Regardless, they shine. In a world of dark, they shine … because they can. And, I guess what I’m trying to say is … so can you.

9Jun

A little bit of friendship…

Yesterday was National Best Friends Day. How do I know? My best friend sent me a snapchat from Denver. She lives 20 hours away from me. How do I remember? Because during the drive across country, I said if we ever had a really bad day, we could technically meet halfway in 10 hours. That’s something, right?

I am 35 and the amount of people I keep close to me can fill a room. I am lucky, I know. When I moved to Pittsburgh 15 years ago (oh my goodness!), I knew maybe five people. It was actually terrifying.

Girlfriends are the best, right? Mine are some gems. I love when you know a girl so well that you can read her mind before she speaks. And you can judge her before she judges you. It becomes this vicious cycle of being a complete bitch, but knowing they are just the same and knowing that it doesn’t matter. That connection will not fade.

And don’t get me wrong, I love my guys too. Those nights when girlfriend A and girlfriend B are fighting and girlfriend C is fighting with her boyfriend because he doesn’t want to spend time with girlfriend D and her husband. OH MY GOSH. These are the nights you want dudes around. Just sit me at a table with a beer in my hand and let them drone on about baseball or video games or whatever manly TV show they’re into at the moment.

Anyway, back to my best friend. She has been gone for three months now (insert eye roll) and it certainly doesn’t get any easier. But the thing about best friends is they don’t just leave. And it’s not like we didn’t text every detail of every day to each other before, but now it just feels so special. It’s like you’re over there and I am here and we are still ok.

You know those nights when you’ve had way too much wine and you just sit and talk and talk and talk and talk. It’s like the world stops and you just get to have the warm and fuzzies for a few hours. Those are my kind of nights and my kind of girls. I am super lucky to have some extremely amazing and talented women in my life. And I am extra lucky that they put up with me.

I found a family here, and for that, well, there are no words.

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